“It Tastes Like Beef-Flavored Something. Beef-flavored Matter.”
Talk about a back-handed compliment! Time for one of my favorite reviews of all time!
A Face Only A Reviewer Could Love!
What can make a food reviewer look like this? Well, the title of my story gave it away, but if you’ve never seen one, get a look at this!
The Cheeseburger In A Can!
I love this so much!
Sold by a German outdoor supply company, this amazing blend of science and nature allows you to take a cheeseburger out for a hike, or an overnight camping trip!
Now of course, as funny as the can looks, you DO have to bite into it at some point – and you will get this:
There was a pretty funny review on The Onion’s website – including some good quotes about what the “Cheeseburger In A Can” tastes like…for example:
• “Oh, auuugh. It’s awful. Have these people ever had hamburger before?”
• “Boy, that taste really stays in your mouth, doesn’t it?”
• “That was so bad.”
• “I think it’s more the soggy bun than the meat.”
• “No, it really is the meat that’s the problem. Oh God.”
• “It’s like the Salisbury steak in a cheap TV dinner.”
• “It’s like Upton Sinclair nightmare bratwurst.”
• “It tastes like Spam. Spam, but chewy. The texture’s about the same.”
• “It is a little smushy. It’s spongy. I don’t hate it. I think I could eat it if it was hotter, and I could dip it in Ranch dressing.”
• “I cannot swallow this. It will not go down.”
• “It’s not quite meat, is it? It looks like freaky airline food.”
• “It tastes like beef-flavored something. Beef-flavored matter.”
• “It’s a really dense meat-like puck.”
• “When I first tasted it, it didn’t bother me, but it festered.” “Really? I gagged the second it hit my tongue.”
What else is there to say?
Well, there may be THIS! Here is the reviewer trying the “canned cheeseburger” – and boy, is he struggling!
I can watch this over and over…I have to give credit to the company that decided we needed Cheeseburgers anywhere and anytime…and I also have to give credits to the foodie minds who came up with this:
A “Fried Chicken Bloody Mary!”
This is one of the most hilarious things I’ve seen: an entire fried chicken served up in a Bloody Mary…and if you want pizza, well I have you covered as well:
I have to give big props to the folks who come up with this stuff…you can see it all here:
Now, we started with a “canned cheeseburger”, so what else do you want in a can?
Hungarian Canned Bacon!
You can never go wrong starting with bacon!
Yes, our good friend bacon is also available in a canned version. And I see why it works so well – just stand it up on end, roll it up and slide it in! Now you have the goodness of bacon whenever you want it – just pop the top and unroll some deliciousness!
I can imagine taking a can of bacon along on my next camping trip to adding it to my cheeseburger in a can – once we have canned mayo, it’s all golden!
It’s hard to criticize canned bacon, which seems like a very normal canned food product…unlike THIS:
Hold Your Tongue!
OK, time to edge into wacky territory, and here’s an idea for you: canned sheep tongue!
Many cultures eat tongue, so it is something you will find on more progressive ethnic menus…beef tongue is eaten like bologna, so it’s not THAT unusual:
Well, after looking at ten pounds of sheep’s tongue, maybe it IS UNUSUAL:
Now, from the wacky to the bizarre, let’s take a look at other mystery meats coming out of a can soon:
Yes, you can keep a can of Armadillo at the ready, just in case you have the need – now you have the ability as well!
Creamed Armadillo On The Half Shell!
I can only imagine that if you want some Armadillo, but don’t have the time to “cream” it yourself, this is for you…and speaking of strange “creamed meats in a can”:
I almost wish this was a joke – unless I am missing something, Possum doesn’t come to mind as a meat to eat in any way, especially creamed.
But, just in case this sparks some sort of cooking frenzy in you, I actually found a website that is all for you – here is a possum recipe!
Pork Brain In Milk Gravy – Hold The Cholesterol!
Time now to move onto a “smarter” meal:
Yes, if you need a week’s worth of cholesterol in a single day – with “milk gravy” no less, then I guess pork brains are for you! And here is a canned food product that doesn’t beat around the bush!
“Potted Meat Food Product!”
Hey, talk about “truth in advertising!” It’s a potted meat food product – there are many on the market, and this is NO knock against the quality of Libby’s version: it’s a product, much like spam, that uses lesser parts of an animal, and adds seasoning and spices…it’s mostly used on crackers as a sort of pate:
Among the ingredients: Mechanically separated chicken, pork skin, partially defatted cooked pork fatty tissue, partially defatted cooked beef fatty tissue, vinegar, less than 2% of: salt, spices, sugar, flavorings, sodium erythorbate and sodium nitrite.
Again, there is no knock against this type of food – it’s just a unique packaging style to be sure! And, to end on a very pointless note, I leave you with this:
That’s right! Look it up! And yes, they sell it in a can!
STILL not enough for you? Then what about this new way to eat sushi!
Yes, sushi poppers! Sushi in a tube is close to food in a can, right?
Click HERE to read all about this amazing new food product!
Enjoy all of this unique food goodness – and remember to bite down hard!
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I have to speak up in defence of spotted dick. It’s delicious! I like Spam too, makes a tasty sandwich, if you don’t read the ingredients!
The chicken and pizza Bloody Marys were hilarious. As for the canned cheeseburger, enough said…
Best wishes, Pete.
Thank you for this comment!