I know what you are thinking: the idea of hosting friends and/or family for a big holiday party SOUNDS GOOD, but when hour and hour drag on, and they just keep eating and drinking, drinking and eating, you think to yourself: “self, what movie is SO horrible that it will clear the house?” Well, look no further. Along with my top ten movies NOT to show on Christmas day, this list is guaranteed to send the most jaded Uncle or Aggressive Aunt fleeing into the night. Let’s go!

7- Hollywood Ending. Woody Allen fell from his creative zenith many years ago, after a string of masterpieces such as “Annie Hall”, “Hannah and her Sisters” and “Manhatten.” His early, funnier movies included such great comedies as “Bananas”, “Sleeper” and “Love & Death.” But for 20 years it has been a virtual wasteland, including this 2002 stinker about a Director going blind in the middle of a movie shoot. Unique, huh? Except Lloyd Kaufman made HIS movie about a blind Director in Troma’s “Terror Firmer”, just a few years earlier. Go, Lloyd! Thiscould be Woody’s worst film ever, and that is saying a lot with “Scoop” hanging around out there…
6-All This and World War 2. You ever hear of The Beatles? So did this movie, and they decided to take the Mop Tops greatest hits and, you know, cover it with documentary footage of World War 2! Bad? Beyond! This 1976 stinker will make enemies almost as fast as…
5-Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Yes, the above film didn’t defile the Beatles quite enough, so Producer Robert Stigwood dug the knife in deeper with this amazingly mis-guided attempt to bring the Pepper Band to life, courtesy of the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton! Look away children, look away! And speaking of defiling…
4-The Defilers / Scum Of The Earth. Thanks to Something Weird Video, this nasty little black’n’white double feature can make everyone feel bad about themselves in time for the holidays. A couple of grimy dudes defile an innocent young woman, just because, you know, they can. It’s an early grind house feature designed to ensure that your daughters would NEVER go into the big city alone. And if that wasn’t warning enough…
3-The Last House On The Left. Wow. By 1973, every young innocent female was being targeted by a rapist or drug dealer, or in this case, BOTH. This movie features the legendary ad campaign that said “just keep repeating: IT’S ONLY A MOVIE> IT’S ONLY A MOVIE. IT’S ONLY A MOVIE…Two young girls, out for a night in the big city, make a fatal mistake by trying to buy some pot from a really cool looking dude. Except he’s not, and neither are his friends. This will clear out the most stubborn Uncle you never wanted to invite to your party anyway.
2-Can’t Stop The Music. Hey, hipsters. Let’s capture this disco craze by doing a musical starring the Village People and Bruce Jenner, then get aging character actress/never-directed-before Nancy Walker! For the first ten minutes your guests will tap their feet and hope for the best, by the halfway point, clear the bathroom!
1-Here it is, the movie that will clear a room faster than a dog on a chili high: PSYCHED BY THE 4D WITCH. That’s right: PSYCHED BY THE 4D WITCH. Never heard of it? Well, I PAID TO SEE IT ONCE! Thanks to our friends at Something Weird video, it is still around to steal you blind. Say you have some b-roll of a city, AND you get your girlfriend to wander around a bit – film her. Then shoot her taking her clothes off and writhing around on a bed. Then shoot a couple of shots of an eerie face int he mirror. That’s it, you have a film! Don’t worry about dialogue, just record your girlfriend’s vacant, mono tonal voice for 90 minutes while you cut together this footage with no rhyme or reason. Get it? This is moviemaking so lazy and cynical, it was destined to take $5 out of the pocket of a young kid who would pay to see anything! You know – ME! Now I can return the favor, and help you clear out a party that just won’t stop on its own. The worst indignity is that “4D WITCH” is actually the second feature on this dvd double bill, behind the black’n’white nonsense called “Monster A Go-Go!”

There you have it, happy holidays!

Categories: 70's Cinema, Grindhouse, Movies, Obscure Movies